DOUG STANHOPE
As he embarks on a UK tour, the self-loathing and brutally honest, the American comedian Doug Stanhope known for his no-holds-barred brand of comedy, catches up with Liam Barrett and Jaydon Martin from a hotel room in Ottowa. On the conversation list is such natural conversation starters as drugs, bad British food, his drunken fans and a Frankie Boyle Brawl.
What are your memories of Cardiff? What do you love about the city?
I remember a guy stopping me when I was walking down one of the main streets, and he asked me, ‘are you Doug Stanhope’? And he told me how much he enjoyed my work, and then went on to tell me how I was not as good as Bill Hicks.
Is that something you get a lot? You’ve said before that you don’t particularly enjoy that comparison.
No, I hate that comparison. Only because I don’t see that comparison. I asked Chris Rock why everyone thinks I’m the next Bill Hicks and not the next Chris Rock. I think I’m much more like Chris Rock with my fucking annoying voice, and more like [Sam] Kinison with my fucking lifestyle. Bill Hicks was very softly spoken and articulate, he wasn’t a stuttering fucking screaming wreck. And he was a fucking Alcoholics Anonymous guy.
You mention notorious partier and stand-up Sam Kinison – do you feel like some people who meet you in person expect you to be some sort of party animal?
Yes they do. I think at this stage, probably not as much. I don’t do drugs really, I do them as prescribed, I take xanax but I have a prescription and I use it as prescribed, I’m not crushing it up and snorting it like other people that get it illicitly. I take it for anxiety, adderall for focus if I need it.
We don’t really have xanax over here. Apparently it’s big in USA as a party drug?
That’s what some other British interviewer asked me before, I didn’t know that. I know everyone’s on xanax or something, but using it as a party drug isn’t something I’ve heard. Oxy’s are the big ones, that’s the one everyone’s dying on. It sucks because eventually I’m gonna need that shit, the hardcore painkillers for when I’m dying of cancer or something, and I’m not gonna be able to get them because a bunch of fucking dickheads up in Kentucky fucking snorting them up, cooking them, and shooting them up. Arseholes. There’s drugs you’re supposed to snort, and they come in snortable forms. Why don’t they use those fucking real illicit narcotics, instead of fucking up prescriptions for the rest of us who are ageing and fragile?!
Young people ruining drugs for everyone again. What’s the best and worst thing about touring the UK?
Just aesthetically, I always bitch about the UK. It’s not about the country really, it’s just small aesthetic things that I’ve grown accustomed to and it’s all different now. I mean I’ll talk about things I love over there. I go through a bunch of books when I’m in the UK. I can’t read at home because there’s too many distractions. I can whizz through books, because your TV sucks. See I’m complaining again – why don’t I focus on the positives? You know what, I lose weight in the UK. I don’t have to bitch about your food being shitty, I can look at the positives: since you have no decent condiments to go with the food I eat less. I eat a basic survival level of food when I’m in the UK.
Do you have any specific memories of weird fan interactions or strange gifts that you’ve received?
I’m actually just looking around my hotel room right now, to see what people have given us just on this tour. Someone gave me a book at the merch table after one of the shows in Canada, some random book and he goes, ‘yeah you might want to read page such and such before you get on a plane’ – he’d put acid in there! I mean Jesus! Don’t try and give me drugs and think it’s funny and cute! I’m not gonna do your drugs and I’m travelling internationally! I remember another time I was in Philadelphia, working a gig in some shitty bar, selling merch hand over fist. I’m actually standing on the bench of a booth with Bingo, my girlfriend, by the side. I’m signing and she’s taking the money. Then someone slips me a bundle of coke and I just hand it to Bingo to put it away so we can carry on with the merch. When I finally get done and the monster queue has gone down, I say to her ‘where’s that coke?’ And she’s like, ‘what coke?’ ‘I handed you a little envelope’ and then she’s like, ‘I wasn’t aware of that’ – so we look through all our stuff and we can’t find it anywhere. That happened at least 10 years ago, but still, every time I go through customs I think; ‘whatever happened to that coke? Is it in my shoe?’
Has a lot changed in comedy in the last 28 years that you’ve been doing it? Do you have many fond memories of when you first started out on the circuit? Do you miss any of that?
I really miss the days of doing stand up where people were just coming to see comedy and didn’t know who you were. There was an anonymity and a lack of expectation, like people just showed up for a comedy night because they’ve got free tickets. I miss the days of bachelorette parties getting very upset that I was not the kind of comedy that they were expecting, and the crying, and the walkouts. I wouldn’t go back to that, but I miss it on some levels. Back then I could just have my act, I didn’t have to worry whether or not I did this bit last time I was here. I get so in my head about shit like that.
Are there any UK-based-comedians you really like? I’ve heard you mention you’re a fan of Frankie Boyle?
Yeah, of course. I don’t think I’ve actually met Frankie yet: we’ve communicated and I’ve come to his defence when he was getting shat on by the press, and I’ve written things – so yeah, we’ve crossed paths. Last time I was touring over there, we were at Glasgow and full fisticuffs broke out between the second and third row, like a massive brawl and everyone else was just still staring at me as if nothing was going on. Anyway, I remember yelling at one guy in the crowd because he looked just like Frankie Boyle, and I wanted to ask him if he got that a lot, or if it was actually Frankie Boyle but at that point I thought ‘let’s not start crowd work, we’ve just suppressed a violent uprising – just do your act and get the fuck out of here’. Then afterwards I found out it was actually Frankie Boyle.
Was it true that you were a gay sex phone operator when first starting out?
Yea that’s in the book. It was a job that was always advertised in the weekly trade thing that we read, and my friends would all show up and live on my couch until they made it big, and never get a job. So I would tell them to get a job, to take that job – it’s always in the paper, they’ll hire you whatever happens and you’ll get a good story out of it. It was a funny job and no one would do it, so I thought fuck it I’m gonna go get this job, and I did two shifts of gay phone sex just for the story.
You’re playing in a more intimate venue in Cardiff then the rest of the UK tour. Do you prefer playing more intimate shows?
I like smaller places, I loathe bigger places because I have so many unruly drunks who don’t know how to shut the fuck up. It’s just gut-churning to think about somewhere like Hammersmith, where you know you’re just gonna have some asshole trying to have a conversation from you, from a second floor balcony. In a smaller venue I can control something like that, whereas there, it’s just ‘oh my God someone stab that guy’ – then you mutter something like that thinking, ‘oh no, they might’.
Do you find yourself dealing more with issues of crowd control rather than hecklers, because you have this army of fans and I guess they’re drunkenly heckling you?
Nowadays I need more sober keepers; ‘alright watch that guy, get water in that guy’. I used to have walkouts, now I have carry-outs and crawl-outs.
You’d think fans of yours would be more seasoned drinkers, or they’d want to remember seeing you perform live?
I’m not very self aware, but I don’t know if I’m at that cusp of becoming such a relic where I’m a Bukowski figure for some people. They’ll tweet me things like ‘hey just warming up for the Doug Stanhope gig’, with a picture of a shot and a beer, and it’s only 1:30pm. You can’t start drinking then. I don’t go on stage until nine, you’re gonna be a lump of shit, you’re not going to remember the show. Pace yourself, that’s why they have last call. Everyone’s going to get drunk together, and everyone’s fine. Everyone’s going to end the night the same way you are when you’re getting carried out of the show, but you’re doing it at 9:30pm instead of 1am like the rest of us.
Drink with me, not for me. That’s my new slogan I just came up with. I should put out a cocktail recipe. This is how you see a Doug Stanhope show: showtime’s at 8pm, at 5pm we are going to eat this, get a solid base down us, then at 6pm…yeah we’re gonna have a full structured menu.
Doug Stanhope. Glee Club, Cardiff, Mon June 4. Tickets: £25. Info: http://www.dougstanhope.com/tour-dates/
photos Brian Hennigan