ROSIE WILBY | INTERVIEW
Part comedian part teacher Rosie Wilby is heading to Cardiff Science Festival to ask ‘is monogamy dead’?
What first made you ask the question ‘Is monogamy dead?’
There seemed to be a run of friends breaking up from long term relationships. In a couple of cases there were affairs involved. I thought the emotional fallout of that was really sad and destructive and wondered if there was a better way of solving the problem of a relationship becoming a bit stale.
So do you feel that monogamy is still alive and well?
No. Monogamy in the true sense is pretty much on its last legs. It comes from the Greek ‘monos gamos’ meaning one marriage i.e. for life. Now, of course, we tend to say we are monogamous if we are with one partner AT A TIME which is a real cop out and not the same thing at all.
You’ve mentioned in previous interviews that serial monogamy is something you’ve witnessed a lot in the lesbian community – why do you think this is the case, and do you feel it is a bad thing?
This is really interesting. It’s a cliche that lesbians move in together really quickly and ‘merge’ personalities. This intensity means the relationship can burn out more rapidly. Also historically less lesbians had children to ‘stay together for’ in the way straight couples might do even when they’re not happy. But the really interesting point here is that lesbian relationships tell us something about the nature of female desire. Women are usually the instigators of separation in straight (and obviously in lesbian) relationships because we feel more stifled and depressed by monogamy (hence lesbian civil partnerships dissolve twice as quickly as male ones). Men typically like lots of sex but don’t mind as much having it with the same partner – or indeed, going for the occasional quick fix with a prostitute. Daniel Bergner’s book What Do Women Want found that we women are indeed the ones who crave sexual novelty more. Yet the way that lesbians satisfy this need is to change partner every few years. From my own experience, I would say that I crave ROMANTIC novelty and find that being in a relationship can make me feel like I have to shut down a vital part of myself because I don’t want to cheat emotionally. My partner and I have got around this by openly encouraging separate sets of friends, some deep and intimate yet still essentially platonic.
The worrying thing is that the general modern trend is towards serial monogamy across all sexualities and genders. Not only does this play into the hands of divorce lawyers but also it means we all have very disrupted lives ahead of us – losing homes, extended families and friend networks we’ve built together every few years. I’d suggest that serial monogamy is an unstable system that will lead to an emotional ‘crash’ (how many heartbreaks can we all take??) and that polyamory would potentially be more sustainable for all of us, allowing us to honestly commit to one primary partner for life if we choose to. My proposal is that we should define a ‘new currency of commitment’ and place more value on friendships and celebrate all forms of human intimacy.
Do you think that our perception of what is considered a ‘good relationship’ is too narrow?
Yes. It’s dictated by church and state. Small family units are more easy to keep tabs on and controlled. So of course the powers that be like to perpetuate this mythical ‘right way to do things’. Then the media reinforce it a hundred fold. Romantic movies are all totally unrealistic and, with the exception of Before Midnight, don’t show the banality and squabbles of married life.
Was your approach different to this new show (which is arguably about a more serious topic than your previous shows)?
This show was so hard to write because it opened up a whole can of worms emotionally. I realised I had to have an outlet for some of my more serious discoveries and hence have written several non comedy articles for broadsheets and so on. I really would like to write a book on the conclusions I’ve come to.
How have people’s reactions to the show been so far? (Have they reacted very differently to Science Of Sex audiences)?
For the show itself the real fun comes from the way I present my survey results via game show formats and erotic cereal eating experiments and get the audience involved. So in some ways that’s similar to Science Of Sex. But yes there’s possibly some more challenging concepts introduced here than science of sex. Strangely it’s gone down way way better in London and Brighton than it did in Edinburgh though I think that had more to do it with being later at night. People haven’t quite opened up enough to discuss fidelity at 5pm!
As far as you’re aware has your show caused any couples to leave arguing?
I hope not. If I’ve caused them to have a sensible discussion about sexual and emotional boundaries then that would be good. In my survey, hardly anyone had actually even discussed what cheating might mean. Which is crazy, as it’s such a fluid and personal thing.
When did you first decide to create shows that combine comedy and science/lecture?
In 2008, I did a show all about memory so that was the first one in that style.
Is it daunting sharing some of your personal moments in the show – or is that just part of the job?
Yes part of the job, though Ido worry about what my girlfriend thinks about the stuff I share. I always check with her that it’s okay.
Your shows have now tackled feminism, sex and monogamy – what are you planning on tackling next?
Watch this space…..
Rosie Wilby: Is Monogamy Dead, O’Neill’s, St Mary Street, Cardiff, Wed 16 July. Tickets: £3. Info: www.cardiffsciencefestival.co.uk
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