Last month, the 16th instalment of the mainline Final Fantasy series was released. While I could use this space to talk about its brilliant action, beautiful design and ‘meh’ story, I’d rather focus on one tiny detail. Clive. The main character’s name is Clive. Safe to say the internet has had a field day with that one.
Japanese media has a history of laughable English translations, from light novel titles that contain a book’s entire plot to seemingly random mishmashes of English words for video games, like Bravely Default. And vice versa, you probably know someone with a kanji character tattoo – it means strength, brah – that translates to “I love eggs”, or whatever.
The same way we might mistake a boring Japanese name for something cool-sounding, ‘Clive’ might sound like someone who’s an absolute badass over there. This isn’t the first time Square Enix has used a really banal English name (sorry to all the Clives out there), or one that sounds like word salad.
Here are some of my favourite funny Final Fantasy franchise names…
Guy, FFII. Literally just a guy. Who talks to beavers.
Galuf Halm Baldesion, FFV. What a mouthful.
Edward “Edge” Geraldine, FFIV. Edward? Fine. Edge? Too much. Geraldine? Too little.
Cecil Harvey, FFIV. Not an English colonialist but a beautiful, white-haired paladin.
Daryl & Duncan, FFVI. Definitely on the Clive wavelength.
Angeal Hewley, FFVII – Crisis Core. Makes me think of ‘congeal’, or someone from Brooklyn pronouncing ‘angel’.
Laguna Loire, FFVIII. Sounds like an adult performer, or rubbish hard-boiled detective.
Questis Trepe, FFVIII. Bless you?
Zell Dincht, FFVIII No.
Seymour Guado, FFX. This guy is a secondary villain. Seymour is not a good secondary villain name.
Shelinda, FFX. I guess it’s better than ‘Helinda’?
Bonus: Not one to laugh at, but there’s at least one Welsh name in the series: Owain, FFVI
words HANNAH COLLINS
Final Fantasy XVI is out now. Info here
